In the clairity of daylight
Daylight saving has arrived. And with it a strange sense of calm. I am back in the rose colored glasses stage. Nothing can follow but pain.
Why do I continue to ride this roller coaster? I love the highs, I must get something from the lows, as they keep coming with regularity. Why do I keep trying to find someone to love this inner child? Why can't I just accept the fact that my parents weren't the lovey, cuddly type,.. but they loved me...( they raised me didn't they?)They never let me starve or die from neglect...they just forgot the mention a couple of items, like love, comfort, touching, or and I almost forgot hugs and kisses.
Fast forward a lifetime, and here I am a fully grown woman, expecting to find this is male\female relationship.
To a therapists, I am sure it is a classic pattern. Knowing that doesn't relieve my pain, or my need to find those hugs and kisses.
It was in full effect when I was a teenager having my first experience with going all the way. Just guess what my first remark was, after the deed was done. (The quick, is this all there is,instant sorrow, no foreplay act) You, are going to marry me aren't you? In that moment I lost my power. Up til then he was doing everything to please me. Now the prize was won, Things got swapped and I was doing all the pleasing. Like please marry me, please,.. I will be a good girl, I will anticipate your every need. Your wish is my command.. ..I gave it my best.... in fact I gave it 29 and one half more years. (will open that door another day)
For the rest of my life I will be left to wonder, if things would have been different , if.. just only if.. my parents had told me I had any value, that I was precious, that I had worth.....It is answer I will never know , but the question haunts me and my sister. As we each try to value ourselves. How can value ever be put in place when it wasn't there in the beginning.
Oh sure you can buy pretty things, try getting a hug from those. You can live in very nice house, in a great neighborhood, drive a Lincoln and still look for approval on every one's face.
They say you can learn to give it to yourself, I say it isn't possible, you aren't looking for your own approval, you are seeking the approval of the rest of the world. And in this seeking, lies all too many chances of getting disapproval instead.
So the fact remains , it sorta snowballs. every disapproval covers over the last 10 approvals. So what is there left to do, but try harder. Even that isn't the answer, at some point you realize the hugs and approval you have to ask or beg for, really sucks.
Hey universe, Is there really one male out there who can give hugs and support , before you even need it, and enough to last til the next time you need it? I might have walked right by him, looking for more rejection.
I thought I saw: a neat, clean cut guy, clean clothes, shaved, bright eyes, and proud confident stance, easy smile... what did I miss? What did my inner needy child see that I didn't see? It is hard to believe that part of me said , hey, boy check him out , looks like a great chance to get ignored and dismissed again.. and I don't know about you , but I need some more rejection right now..."Let's get to know him better."
Seems like male\female ritual.. She likes him more than he likes her, He likes her more than she likes him.. Does it ever end in Wow, they are equally in love? maybe we just don't hear about those happy people, maybe they are the ones you see in the paper who are celebrating 50 years together.. or maybe it was a miserable 50 years, or maybe they just learned the secret of weathering the storms, finding and giving comfort. It could end up being a thing that just happened, "back in the day" and doesn't fit today standards.
It will remain one of those questions, I would love to ask my Mom. Trouble is life took her when I was only 30. She was 31 when I was born, and I got to spend 30 years with her, but most of the grown up part was spent, trying to please a man who couldn't be pleased. Just as the life questions began surfacing, she left me to find the answers on my own. Wonder what she would think of me now. Did I even measure up, did she wish she hugged me more?Were her needs ever met? I will have to wait for Heaven to get those answers. In the meantime, I am stuck here, looking for love and finding it not.
To be continued....
Why do I continue to ride this roller coaster? I love the highs, I must get something from the lows, as they keep coming with regularity. Why do I keep trying to find someone to love this inner child? Why can't I just accept the fact that my parents weren't the lovey, cuddly type,.. but they loved me...( they raised me didn't they?)They never let me starve or die from neglect...they just forgot the mention a couple of items, like love, comfort, touching, or and I almost forgot hugs and kisses.
Fast forward a lifetime, and here I am a fully grown woman, expecting to find this is male\female relationship.
To a therapists, I am sure it is a classic pattern. Knowing that doesn't relieve my pain, or my need to find those hugs and kisses.
It was in full effect when I was a teenager having my first experience with going all the way. Just guess what my first remark was, after the deed was done. (The quick, is this all there is,instant sorrow, no foreplay act) You, are going to marry me aren't you? In that moment I lost my power. Up til then he was doing everything to please me. Now the prize was won, Things got swapped and I was doing all the pleasing. Like please marry me, please,.. I will be a good girl, I will anticipate your every need. Your wish is my command.. ..I gave it my best.... in fact I gave it 29 and one half more years. (will open that door another day)
For the rest of my life I will be left to wonder, if things would have been different , if.. just only if.. my parents had told me I had any value, that I was precious, that I had worth.....It is answer I will never know , but the question haunts me and my sister. As we each try to value ourselves. How can value ever be put in place when it wasn't there in the beginning.
Oh sure you can buy pretty things, try getting a hug from those. You can live in very nice house, in a great neighborhood, drive a Lincoln and still look for approval on every one's face.
They say you can learn to give it to yourself, I say it isn't possible, you aren't looking for your own approval, you are seeking the approval of the rest of the world. And in this seeking, lies all too many chances of getting disapproval instead.
So the fact remains , it sorta snowballs. every disapproval covers over the last 10 approvals. So what is there left to do, but try harder. Even that isn't the answer, at some point you realize the hugs and approval you have to ask or beg for, really sucks.
Hey universe, Is there really one male out there who can give hugs and support , before you even need it, and enough to last til the next time you need it? I might have walked right by him, looking for more rejection.
I thought I saw: a neat, clean cut guy, clean clothes, shaved, bright eyes, and proud confident stance, easy smile... what did I miss? What did my inner needy child see that I didn't see? It is hard to believe that part of me said , hey, boy check him out , looks like a great chance to get ignored and dismissed again.. and I don't know about you , but I need some more rejection right now..."Let's get to know him better."
Seems like male\female ritual.. She likes him more than he likes her, He likes her more than she likes him.. Does it ever end in Wow, they are equally in love? maybe we just don't hear about those happy people, maybe they are the ones you see in the paper who are celebrating 50 years together.. or maybe it was a miserable 50 years, or maybe they just learned the secret of weathering the storms, finding and giving comfort. It could end up being a thing that just happened, "back in the day" and doesn't fit today standards.
It will remain one of those questions, I would love to ask my Mom. Trouble is life took her when I was only 30. She was 31 when I was born, and I got to spend 30 years with her, but most of the grown up part was spent, trying to please a man who couldn't be pleased. Just as the life questions began surfacing, she left me to find the answers on my own. Wonder what she would think of me now. Did I even measure up, did she wish she hugged me more?Were her needs ever met? I will have to wait for Heaven to get those answers. In the meantime, I am stuck here, looking for love and finding it not.
To be continued....
posted by Emotionalgirl at
6:40 AM
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